You know I’m such a fool for you

I was ordering the CDs. As an attempt, maybe, of putting some order in my own life, such a mess for a while now.

It’s easier than it feels but it’s incredible hard somehow, in the sense of really doing it: put order into a chaotic mess made by no one else than ourselves.

It’s quite challenging, actually, once inevitably you’ll find yourself surrounded by things you don’t wanna deal with. Side effects, you know? There’s no other way of trying to sort out some things unless you mess up some pieces that you need to move and, as a consequence, some pieces around them.

And then, when you look at yourself, you are all spread out on the floor, trying to find pile “L”, overwhelmed by lots of albums you were not thinking about anymore. And you got surprised with the oddity of the pile “B”, gigantic. And you sneeze because of the dust hidden lazily and sneakily under the previously non-sense-ordered piles. And you think of all that dirt side of the job you’re now obliged to complete.

You can find me shallow and lazy and maybe a bit crazy for having this kind of behavior. It looks such an easy task for you to keep up things exactly were they belong to. Not only ordered but also impeccable – at least that’s the impression I have when I look at your pretty little things and objects and pictures and lined bottle beers…

But somehow, now, I don’t really mind if you think I’m shallow, lazy and crazy for having such a messy way of life. I kinda like it. And also I guess I don’t feel guilty anymore for failing in keeping a more organized and well handled things. Guess I discovered I have a problem with boundaries, delimited spaces, timelines. Guess I experienced the extremes and could never go back to the center and stay there. The balance for me, somehow, is not steadying myself in the middle anymore.

While I get tired of piling the fucking dusty CDs, a never-ending-task as it appears now to be, I think of saying all these things to you in one of those meetings we’ve never found a way to have. And then this song starts playing on the radio – and I feel completely stupid for being listening to the radio having so many CDs surrounding me on the floor – and this song lyrics suddenly gets my goofy and distracted effort of focus. It says you know I’m such a fool for you… and I agree.

I’m such a fool for sharing these thoughts mentally with you… I feel like I’m begging you to let me in and always feel you won’t ever allow me to.

I feel fool for trying so hard letting go of the unsuitable pieces… and just can’t convince myself that they’re not important anymore.

Anyway I’m such a fool for you. But that’s ok. Guess I can live with that.